Dear Cynthia,

I want to know why its so impossible for me to "orgasm" with my partner. I try everything and I hope I'm not the only girl out there!

This is a great question. First things first, if you're not able to orgasm at all, with yourself or a partner, the first place I'd start is with your doctor. They may not be able to help, but it's always a good idea to make sure it isn't something physical.

If you're able to achieve orgasm through masturbation but are finding it hard to orgasm with your partner, you're certainly not alone. In fact, studies show that approximately 75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone -- that is without the extra help of sex toys, hands or tongue.

If you're having a hard time having orgasms through any type of physical intimacy with your partner, there can be a number of reasons you might be finding it hard to 'let go'. Some women find it hard to relax and be indulged in pleasure - they worry that they are taking too long or they're simply thinking too hard about having an orgasm and whenever those thoughts start to enter the mind, the train ride to orgasm usually begins to derail.

Another reason could be your partners technique. Does your partner take enough time? Does your partner use the kind of pressure/intensity that's pleasurable for you? If not, it's important to try to show or tell your partner what works for you. This doesn't mean that you have to give him or her a detailed map of how to explore your body, but there are definitely ways to indicate when he/she is on the the right path and you would like them to keep doing what they are doing, and to indicate when the thing they are doing is not having the desired effect.

One thing you could try is to think about a very strong sexual fantasy, one that really makes you sexually excited and try concentrating on that when your partner is stimulating you either orally or manually. If you're not sure what kinds of fantasies you like - indulge yourself in some erotic short story collections. Here is a link to some great erotica that you can purchase online. I highly recommend "The Erotic Edge".

You could also try masturbating yourself before your partner comes to bed (or with your partner there) almost to the point where you're going to have an orgasm and then letting him/her take over. And if you have a sex toy you like to use, you can always bring that into the bedroom and incorporate that into your sex play.

Our regular guest, sex educator Cory Silverberg has an article that takes you through some questions to ask yourself if you're having trouble orgasming, it may be worth reading as well.

Don't forget, it can take awhile for your body to learn how to have orgasms with a partner so be patient. And remember, orgasm is just one part of sex so try not to put too much pressure on yourself to "achieve" that as a measure of success. Relax and try to enjoy the journey.

Hope that helps!

Cynthia

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