It’s your birthday. The balloons are inflated, the food is ready, the cake is on deck and you’re wearing your favourite outfit. But there’s just one problem – nobody’s there.
Anyone who’s ever gone to the trouble of arranging a party, only to have nobody show up, knows how defeating and upsetting the experience can be. Especially if you happen to be a kid.
It’s a scenario that plays out more often than you might think.
But one Vaughan mom and her two kids are trying to make things better for kids who are feeling alone.
“It’s very heartbreaking for me to even imagine a child having such a miserable time on their birthday, feeling like they have no friends – I couldn’t stand the thought of that,” says Maple mom Jessica Cohn.
It was back in October that Cohn noticed posts on parenting groups about kids having birthday parties where nobody showed up.
“Evidently it’s a very common thing. Parents are always writing and complaining that nobody RSVP’s. They’ll invite a class of 30 children and maybe two will show up,” she says.
Cohn discussed the posts with her twins – Tamara and Jeremey – and together the three decided that they would do something to let kids who feel alone know that someone is rooting for them.
After posting a message on Facebook soliciting requests for cards, the trio was inundated.
“I immediately started getting responses from parents telling me about their kids and we started sending out cards right away,” Cohn says.
They dubbed the project “The Friend Send.” To date, Cohn and her kids have sent out more than 80 cards, some as far away as Whitehorse, Yukon. Each one takes around 30 minutes. They’re all tailored to each child’s story and may include a poem in addition to a heartfelt message.
And they’re not just sending cards to kids with poorly attended birthdays now.
“We started our kindness cards – for kids who are being bullied in school mostly or going through a really rough time one way or another,” Cohn says. “We send them cards just to let them know that people out there are cheering them on and wishing them well and it’s ok to believe in yourself because we believe you can get through this time.”
However they do limit their responses to children 12 and under because Cohn says it would be difficult for Jeremy and Tamara, both 10, to relate properly to older kids.
While some people might scoff at the idea that a birthday card from a stranger can make a lonely child feel better, some experts say they may be wrong.
Loneliness – whether in children or adults – appears to be a problem that goes much unnoticed, and untreated. Often that’s because people don’t say they’re feeling that way.
“The trick to loneness is that it is relatively silent and invisible,” says Steve Joordens, a professor of psychology at U of T Scarborough.
He notes that many people who have come through bouts of depression or loneliness afterward report that they saw a turning point when they realized they were not alone.
“One of the notions that they will usually tell you is that somebody, for them at some point, made them realize that whatever their situation was, it was a situation that others had been in and had felt what they felt and had been able to come out the other side.”
Dr. Katy Kamkar, a clinical psychologist at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, agrees that asking for help is a key step.
“It’s important to reach out and say ‘I feel lonely or ‘I have difficulty in this area,’ Kamkar says.
One obstacle that might prevent kids or their parents from reaching out: embarrassment.
Cohn says some parents may be hesitant to reach out to ask for a card for a lonely or bullied child because they feel embarrassed that they aren’t able to fix the problem themselves.
She also acknowledges that some people are skeptical that a card can do much good.
“There have been a couple of naysayers. I think in general parents know their children, they know if their child is going to be someone who will feel better after reading an encouraging card and feel a little bit more confident after.
“If they’re a parent who are themselves laughing at the idea and thinking ‘oh how sad is this that I would get a stranger to write to my kid,’ they’re probably not the ones telling their kid about us or asking for a card because they themselves have a block against it.”
While an encouraging card could be a good place to start, Kamkar adds that in the long run, quality relationships and social networks are vital to making sure that one is not lonely.
“Healthy relationships are really about seeking help, asking for help, accepting help, but then also giving to others as well,” Kamkar says. “It doesn’t have to be 10 or 20 (people). Sometimes with limited numbers we still feel this quality social support network, this sense of connection, a sense of positivity and wellness.
She says that connectedness can come from family members, friends, or even from giving to others through volunteering.
“It does help because any activity where there is a healthy sense of connection with others can be tremendously helpful,” Kamkar says.
For Cohn and her kids, every card they send is a step toward a less lonely world.
“Everybody could use some positivity from time to time and the more often it’s given, I believe, the more often it’s received,” Cohn says.
“My whole motto is ‘optimism to the end!’”
